About Change

How many years does it take to change from the patriarchal societies of biblical times to gender equality in the modern age? 

The short answer is thousands of years.  Exactly why it is not clear, but in many societies today women are still considered second class citizens.  They are not allowed to vote or to drive.  In some places girls get killed if they attend school!

Here in the US we women have been voting for one hundred years.  We came a long way, but in some progressive companies there is still a gap in pay between men and women.  As shown in 60 minutes of April 15 the CEO of Sales Force was not aware of the gender gap in his own company. When it was pointed out to him he had to spend 3 million dollars in the first year that he implemented true gender equality.  

I have been a true liberal since I was a girl. These days my main challenge to liberals is how come they are so accepting and tolerant with gender bias among Muslims?  Is tolerance more important than equal rights for women?

Why are we all so afraid to criticize Muslim practices?

Why is it so impolite to upset the Muslims?

We are talking about equality for women!!!!  Women are half the population of the world!  We know for a hundred years that genetically their minds and intelligence are equal to men.  We are still fighting for it here.  But in the Muslim world we shrug our shoulders: It is their culture. It is their problem....  Change takes a long time so it will take them a long time...

I am happy to tell you that I found an ally among Muslims!  I met her at the gala of the Museum of Tolerance.  Soraya Deen: an advocate for women's rights in Islam.  I saw this tall lady standing there wearing a beautiful golden sari.  I was immediately drawn to talk to her and we exchanged phone numbers.

Soraya Deen with her friend Raheel Raza.

Raheel Raza received the Museum of Tolerance Award that evening at the Gala.

Raheel Raza is President of The Council for Muslims Facing Tomorrow, founding member of The Muslim Reform Movement, Director of Forum for Learning, award winning journalist, public speaker, advocate for human rights, gender equality and dignity in diversity. 

Soraya Deen was active in opening Northern California's first female-led mosque in Berkeley. In April 2017. This is a place where women can participate and feel empowered. 

She has written an op-Ed article in sister-hood, an award winning digital magazine spotlighting the diverse voices of women of Muslim heritage. The title of her article: "Are Women Welcome at Paris Mosque?"

Here is an introduction written about Soraya in the sister-hood magazine:

Soraya Deen is the founder of the Muslim Women Speakers Movement, and Co-founder of Peacemoms (Promoting Christian Muslim Dialogue.) She is a professional speaker, spiritual activist, lawyer, Educator and Author.  Soraya was the first Katheeba at the inaugural prayer of Qalbu Women’s Mosque in Berkeley.

I met Soraya again on a Sunday morning in Van Nuys and we have agreed to join our voices.  Here are some of her questions to me that I am often asked:

1.    Do women enjoy equality with men in Judaism?

I have multiple answers to this question: 

Everyone needs to consider these simple numbers:

Muslim population of the world is one point eight billion that is 18 plus 8 zeros.

Jewish population of the world is fourteen million that is 14 plus 6 zeros. 

The number of Muslims is over a 100 times larger than the number of Jews.  This difference should be considered every time you try to make this comparison.

My second answer is that change comes much faster in Judaism.  Just some examples: Polygamy was outlawed by rabbis back in the 11^th century.  In main stream Islam men are still allowed to marry four women.  And many Muslims are importing this practice to Western countries.  All this information is available in the palm of your hand.  

An additional answer: Jews have many forms of observance available to them: orthodox, conservative, reform.  They have choices.  I believe the extreme practices limiting women’s freedom do exist, but they are less rampant.

2.   After hearing that I was born in Iran and moved to Israel when I was 4 years old, Soraya asked me: "Why did your parents leave Iran?"

My answer to this question starts with the Jews of Mashhad as I wrote "about me" in my blog:

The Jews of Mashhad were forced to practice Islam for one hundred and fifty years. They kept their Judaic traditions in hiding.  My parents were married in Mashhad then moved to Tehran where I was born.  In 1951 the entire family immigrated to Israel. The Mashadi community kept their specific traditions for decades throughout the world: Israel, New York, London, and Milan.

When the state of Israel was created it was everyone’s dream to live where they are free to practice their Judaism.

Soraya knew about stories like this, but she said hearing it from me made the stories more real and vivid.

I told her about my aunts and uncles given Muslim names: Soraya, Moussa, and Dawood.

She asked me if there was persecution, but I thought it was mainly intolerance. 

I asked her if she heard about the pogroms against Jews, she said she never heard the word.  The pogroms who drove many Jews to wonder around and seek better lives are not known to many Muslims.  But Soraya complained that in the mosques they are always taught to hate Jews, to the point where she is tired of it.  She talked about "men with beards" who keep telling women what to do, but she is on a mission to empower women to follow their own wishes and desires.

In a small way I am hoping to bring a change in equality for women around the world.  Maybe the day will come that all men and women will work hand in hand for a better world.

Things I learned from my father: Constancy

I am often asked why am I always speaking of my mother.  What about my father?  The simple answer is that my mother was the dominant parent.  She was the one who was always heard and controlled our social connections.  My father was the more quiet personality who accepted most of my mother’s decisions.  He adored my mother and always praised all her qualities.

My father has certainly affected my personality, as he was very accepting and non-combative.  The most important thing for him was the constancy in life.  Observing the traditions, keeping the Sabbath, keeping the holidays and days of remembrance.  Attending important family events such as weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs.

We always had a festive meal to welcome the Sabbath on Friday night.  My father presided over the table with a very constant manner of reading the prayers, blessing his wife and children, blessing over the wine and the bread.  He never missed a Shabbat morning service and was always up before anyone to attend the early prayer ritual.  By the time he was back we were up and ready for a small meal and again he presided with a Kiddush prayer over wine and bread.

In the Jewish calendar there is a fast almost every month: The Yom Kippur fast is most known.  But my father observed all the others: He fasted in memory of his mother and father’s deaths.  He fasted in memory of the destruction of the Jewish Temple: Tisha B’Av, the fast of Ester before Purim, the fast of the eldest child on the eve of Passover.

Most Jewish families who came to Israel from Iran had this social structure that the man is out to make a living and the woman is the one who stays home, cooks and cleans and brings up the children.  My grandfather was a traveling salesman back in Iran.  He traveled from Turkey to Iraq to Iran selling wool.  He was hardly ever home.  In Israel most men in the family were in some kind of trade.  My father was a salesman as well.  He was home every night, so he participated in the household chores by doing the weekly shopping.  Some of the women had part time jobs outside the house.  Many worked from home sawing clothes for others.

I was an exceptional child as I excelled in school.  Both my parents did not exactly know how to deal with a bright little girl.  I was a voracious reader early on.  This is what my father had to say when he saw me reading a thick book: “How do you remember the beginning of the book by the time you get to the end?”  Occasionally he would attend parents meetings in school.  He was always bragging to everyone about the compliments he hears from my teachers.

In my teenage years we always had this push and pull between the traditions of my family compared with my friends from more progressive families.  I could never follow my classmate who had her boyfriend spend the night at home with her.  However, my father was always more sensitive to my emotional needs than my mother.  He would defend me against my mother when we had a social argument.

My father had a stroke right after I left home.  Communication with him was difficult after that.  After he died I remember my mother’s comment: “I miss your father’s constancy.  He made me get up every morning and prepare three meals every day and stay on top of life.”  She also reminded us every year on the day of his memorial.  So I remember that he died in the winter

My father always shows up in my dreams.  Some sweet dreams, some dreams when I am stressed and look for guidance.  A sort of a guardian angel. 

Happy Purim!

Fira, my uncle's wife arrived in Israel from Mashad many years after our family.  She was always known for her outstanding cooking skills.  Even after we were all grown ups , my mother kept telling to go to Fira so I can learn to cook!
These days Fira is running cooking workshops and parties in addition to her catering business.  
Here are some of Fira's sweet memories of "Mishloach Manot" the custom straight out of the Megillah to take packages of goodies to relatives, friends and the poor: 
"I remember this tradition with sweetness and richness!
In the morning of the holiday all of us the Jewish kids, would wake up with happiness in our hearts.  We would put on our finest clothes, and go on our mission of delivering the goods our moms made.  Each family had a tray including all the goodies and the kids would go to the Jewish families and deliver them.  The woman who dared to forget any of the items was scrutinized!  "Mishloach Manot" was the topic of the conversation the whole day!  How was her Halva?  What was the smell of her non tafton?  And the kids were walking around with the decorated trays and thoroughly enjoying every moment of the celebration.
The traditional Mashadi "Mishloach Manot" includes all these sweets: "Shir berenge" (rice with milk) Halva (Rice, sugar, cinnamon, curcumin, saffron) Gushfil (Persian style elephant's ears, unlike the Ozney Haman- Haman's ears or Hamentashen.) Nan tafton (sweet rolls) and Hard boiled eggs decorated with stars of David."

I have sweet memories from the Shapira neighborhood of Tel Aviv.  At the time no family had a cooking oven.  Across the street from my Aunt Soraya's apartment was a bakery.  Our mothers would prepare all the dough at home and then walk to the bakery with all the kids.  The baker provided the large baking trays, the mothers would lay their goods place them in the oven and in a few hours the smells were all over the neighborhood.  We the kids had the best times of our lives.  We happily walked home with our mothers and then helped divide everything into portions and deliver them.  My mom had the best non tafton!
Happy Purim!

Interfaith Solutions for the Secular Minds

How do we bring more understanding among people from different parts of the world and opposing traditions?  I have already stressed the importance of knowledge and understanding our physical world.  I believe empowering women is also essential for progress of humanity as I have already spoken about women.

This time I want to talk about traditions, rituals, and faith.  I have been watching people closely, hearing many stories and reading a lot.
I can see that some people need rituals and some have no need for it at all.  I know many Jewish or Christians families where one brother lives his life going to weekly services, feels great about bowing down, waving different kinds of wands or a brush, and following age old traditions.  These are traditions that "have passed the test of time" as they say.
At the same time, a second brother in the same family laughs at the whole thing.  This brother has no need for any rituals.  The tradition has no magical or spiritual power over him. 
In the old world the community leaders would frown upon this second brother.   They would call him to a meeting and question his absences.  Even worse, there would be an internal police to spy on the activities of such people and shame them in public. But in recent times this brother happily stays away from rituals.  He stays home to read a book or go to a football game, a hike in the mountains, a surf in the ocean. 
In the old world large resources of the community would go into building massive lavish cathedrals or mosques or monasteries.  The rituals and ceremonies would be enhanced by the beauty of the structure and this would be the main meeting place for the community.
So we have two brothers, the traditionalist and the rebel.  In the wider world this creates a serious conflict between the "faithful" and the secular.

In Europe many of these lavish cathedrals are losing their grandeur as more and more of the young generations do not find the rituals comforting or necessary.  These young people are asking for a replacement of the churches as community centers and meeting places.  As I was pondering this sort of news for many years I heard this article on NPR about a 19^th century church in Bolton, England that was abandoned.  Then it was bought by the local Muslim community and everyone was wondering if it would turn into a mosque.  But it was turned into a secular community center.  “Now, amid stories about religious friction and ethnic tensions, the transformation of All Souls Church provides a story of harmony and integration in one culturally diverse community.”

http://www.npr.org/2015/03/03/390286095/in-english-town-muslims-lead-effort-to-create-interfaith-haven

The Old:

Here is the article in the Guardian:

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/dec/07/abandoned-churches-find-new-secular-life

In the remodeled building there are now “halls for clubs and hobby groups, a garden for a local grow-your-own project, a concert space and a business and training center for local startups.”

 

The New:

This is the kind of solution that I feel will bring people together, will help cohesion and integration.  People will focus on their similar interests and common goals rather than stressing their differences.  Both brothers, the faithful and the rebel will belong here.

 

Things I Learned from my Mother: Helping Others

Here I want to tell you the stories of things I learned from my mother.  My dear mother who passed away in 2013, may she rest in peace.

What can I tell about my mother?  This was a woman who knew everybody and helped all.  We all loved and appreciated her.  I was sad to leave my mother when I married and ended up raising my sons far away in California.

My mother visited me one time when I was sick, she loyally took care of me and helped me in such an impressive way that I shall never forget it.  We had many close conversations about our childhood hers in her homeland in Mashhad and mine in our new country Israel.  My mother Rivka then told me a story about her mother, Mina who raised six children.  All the kids were asleep and Mina was still sitting at the sewing machine and sewing clothes way into the wee hours of the night. Little Rivka asks her mother: “Why are you working so hard so late at night?”  My grandmother answers: “We are good people who like to help the poor.  We are unable to help them with money or with goods therefore I devote my time to make clothes for their little children.”
I was very impressed with this story and I understood that this was one of the important values in my family: there are always people with fate worse than ours and we should help them.
This is what I meant in my previous post when I spoke about innate responsibility to help the less fortunate.  I had some strong reactions against that sentiment.  Some people saw the political angle: “We don’t need the government!”  That is so regrettable that our political views blind us from watching our fellow human beings.  I think personal responsibility is the most innate value we should remember.  My Bell Curve just showed distribution of IQ.  But people who are fortunate in other areas of life, they also have something to contribute.  People with artistic talents entertain us and tell us stories.  They create beautiful art and enhance our sense of awe.  Scientists and engineers discover the secrets of our universe and create technologies to improve our lives.  Even the physically handicapped have emotional power to help us when we are sad.  It is an amazing world of diverse life.

I’d like to show you this photo of my family from the 1950’s with my two grandmothers all living in one small house.  But helping others was something I learned to cherish.
Ever since I remember, mother loved to help people.  She had an incredible memory and she knew every family member of every relative and acquaintance who came to Israel from the old country.  On one hand she knew the successful, rich families who moved to New York, with the large homes and fancy parties.  (She got invited to many of these parties…)  On the other hand she knew the less fortunate people who could not afford to support their large families or their sick and disabled children.  She had an amazing ability to mix in any society and find friends who loved her.  This way she had always been successful in convincing the rich to donate money to those in need.
Mother always reminded us of the memorials for our grandparents: It is important to remember.  I could continue and mention more examples of how mother loved to help everybody.  Not only she felt an obligation to help, she did it with pleasure and tremendous joy.  And that is the main lesson: To revere the joy you feel by helping others.
Maybe in the modern world today it is not as simple to figure who can use help and who needs to be punished.  Here is where our intelligence and imagination can guide us in figuring out how to achieve this balance.

 

 

Family traditions and homelessness

Imagine these three women:  A young mother who is an aspiring author, a young mother who is homeless and a Persian lady who is a recent immigrant to California.

The author is visibly troubled by the sight of the young mother sitting on a bench in the promenade next to her baby carriage for over two hours.  She approaches the mother on the bench with an offer to help.  The young mother has no job and no place to go.  So the author arranges for her to stay one night in a motel.  This small episode brings the author to write her next novel on shelters.  There are plenty of homeless shelters  in Los Angeles.

Laura Nicole Diamond:

Shelter Us book cover:

A Santa Monica shelter for homeless women-Ocean Park Community Center:

I attended the Author Talk at my local library and that is where I met the Persian lady.
(I prefer the term Persian and not Iranian which was invented by the British in the past Century.)  The Persian lady seems just as gentle and caring as the young author.  She heard us talk about different shelters across the city and she was incredulous: “Why do people have to be homeless?  How come they have nowhere to go?  Whatever happened to the parents, there must have been grandparents, aunts or uncles?  What kind of society is it when parents tell their kids: You are eighteen and you are out?” 

My extended family all came from Mashhad in the North Est part of Persia.  I understood what the Persian lady was talking about.  No one is left homeless.  The mentally ill, the physically challenged all find a home with the extended family.  They are rarely put away in any sort of institution.  The bright and able take care of the weak and feeble.  But the other side of this scenario is that sometimes young people feel trapped.  They have to follow the family structure and “orders”.  Some dominant mothers will insist on picking spouses for their children, and after the wedding there are the orders: You need to have a kid.  And it is time for another one.  Freedom and imagination can hardly flourish.  So here in the area family structure and tradition there is a fine balance.
A typical table in a Persian home: Always hot water and tea in a samovar, a bowl of fruits, nuts and cakes.  Welcoming everyone with warm hospitality:

The idea of extended family is very well established in other societies.  I have read this from one of my favorite authors, Isabel Allende who was a refugee from Chile:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/sep/13/isabel-allende-my-family-values

“I have been a foreigner all my life, first as a daughter of diplomats, then as a political refugee and now as an immigrant in the US. I have had to leave everything behind and start anew several times, and I have lost most of my extended family. Here in California, I have tried to recreate a sense of extended family with a few chosen loyal friends. I call them "my tribe". It works better than a real family because we are together by choice not obligation. My grandchildren have grown up in this little tribe and I don't think they are aware that we are not even blood-related.”

I feel strongly that churches, synagogues, mosques and monasteries by and large served their communities by taking in widows and orphans.  The universal sermon is to be kind to the poor and needy.

If we want to live in a society with all these freedoms to pursue happiness and get education and marry our heart’s desire, then I believe we should all work on a policy to prevent homelessness.  

Culinary East meets West

The main news item this past week was the 70th anniversary of the dropping the atom bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan.  There were memorials, apologies, and all signs of soul searching.  Were we right to do this?  Was it worth the life of another million soldiers?  Where do we go from here?  How do we stop Iran from building an atom bomb?

There are no simple solutions for any of these questions.  Instead of dealing with these questions I will tell you my life stories of food!  The stories of cooking and eating in my life are one example of how East meets West on this earth.  These are stories of people coming together and celebrating their differences.
We all need nutrition and anyone can read about the agricultural revolution .  How humans discovered cooking and found that cooked foods are easier to digest.  Different cooking traditions evolved around the world depending on climate and local culture.
I grew up in Israel with the traditions of the Jews of Mashad!  The basic food is rice with many variations served with a number of colorful flavorful sauces.  Every Friday night each family has Nochodav!  A soup with a variety of meat such as soup bones, chicken, meat balls and beef.  The base of the soup is white bean and crushed chick peas. These vegetables were added gradually: onion, cabbage, kohlrabi, and greens: parsley, cilantro and dill.  Every young girl had to be taught how to wash all these greens and chop them for the soup before she could be eligible for marriage.  The current flavorful sauce that is spreading around the world is a similar sauce called chorme sabzi: green stew.

Chorme sabzi served with rice and saffron rice:

Moving to California we have been celebrating holidays with my longtime friend who grew up with Ashkenazi cooking.  For the Passover Seder we had these “must haves:” Gefilte fish, kneidalach soup.  Many people were surprised to hear that I never had any of these foods growing up.  Watching my friend cook I learned all these minute details.  For the unmatched gefilte fish you show up at the fish market at 6 am and pick the best white fish or pike.  The merchant grinds it for you and sends you home with all the bones.  There are various traditions for spicing the ground fish, more onions, sometimes sugar. sometime fresh greens.  Children grow up loving this dish.  Even my own sons enjoy it when it comes in a jar.  For me, the fried fish steaks that my mother used to make still taste best.  The fish cakes are served with horse radish, another European dish.  Grind the fresh horseradish and add ground beats.  This is divine!

Gefilte fish with horseradish:

Kneidalach soup is served in any Deli along with cold cuts: roast beef, pastrami, turkey.  Rye bread is from the west.  The East offers pita bread, humus, eggplant salad. 

Matza ball soup: 

I took a three day trip to Paris with my mother and sister.  We each came from another direction and our taxi driver took us to the district offering all culinary traditions.  It was very appropriate for the occasion.  European style desserts downstairs.  Baklava and gas upstairs, served on round metal table tops from Morocco.

Gas: Candy from Iran:

Flat fried dough, dessert from Iran:

These stories of east and west food traditions make me believe that humans can get together and cooperate on any level.