Things I learned from my father: Constancy

I am often asked why am I always speaking of my mother.  What about my father?  The simple answer is that my mother was the dominant parent.  She was the one who was always heard and controlled our social connections.  My father was the more quiet personality who accepted most of my mother’s decisions.  He adored my mother and always praised all her qualities.

My father has certainly affected my personality, as he was very accepting and non-combative.  The most important thing for him was the constancy in life.  Observing the traditions, keeping the Sabbath, keeping the holidays and days of remembrance.  Attending important family events such as weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs.

We always had a festive meal to welcome the Sabbath on Friday night.  My father presided over the table with a very constant manner of reading the prayers, blessing his wife and children, blessing over the wine and the bread.  He never missed a Shabbat morning service and was always up before anyone to attend the early prayer ritual.  By the time he was back we were up and ready for a small meal and again he presided with a Kiddush prayer over wine and bread.

In the Jewish calendar there is a fast almost every month: The Yom Kippur fast is most known.  But my father observed all the others: He fasted in memory of his mother and father’s deaths.  He fasted in memory of the destruction of the Jewish Temple: Tisha B’Av, the fast of Ester before Purim, the fast of the eldest child on the eve of Passover.

Most Jewish families who came to Israel from Iran had this social structure that the man is out to make a living and the woman is the one who stays home, cooks and cleans and brings up the children.  My grandfather was a traveling salesman back in Iran.  He traveled from Turkey to Iraq to Iran selling wool.  He was hardly ever home.  In Israel most men in the family were in some kind of trade.  My father was a salesman as well.  He was home every night, so he participated in the household chores by doing the weekly shopping.  Some of the women had part time jobs outside the house.  Many worked from home sawing clothes for others.

I was an exceptional child as I excelled in school.  Both my parents did not exactly know how to deal with a bright little girl.  I was a voracious reader early on.  This is what my father had to say when he saw me reading a thick book: “How do you remember the beginning of the book by the time you get to the end?”  Occasionally he would attend parents meetings in school.  He was always bragging to everyone about the compliments he hears from my teachers.

In my teenage years we always had this push and pull between the traditions of my family compared with my friends from more progressive families.  I could never follow my classmate who had her boyfriend spend the night at home with her.  However, my father was always more sensitive to my emotional needs than my mother.  He would defend me against my mother when we had a social argument.

My father had a stroke right after I left home.  Communication with him was difficult after that.  After he died I remember my mother’s comment: “I miss your father’s constancy.  He made me get up every morning and prepare three meals every day and stay on top of life.”  She also reminded us every year on the day of his memorial.  So I remember that he died in the winter

My father always shows up in my dreams.  Some sweet dreams, some dreams when I am stressed and look for guidance.  A sort of a guardian angel.